Yes, you read that right we have with us today none other than Mr. Nirav Modi. It is the sheer brilliance of ED Times that has brought Nirav Modi (hereinafter NiMo) to us before the Enforcement Directorate (ED) could reach him.
But before you get started with this exciting interview, a small disclaimer.
Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we pick a famous personality and throw fake questions at him/her and in return, we receive fake answers. Why should you not take it seriously? Because it is fake.
If you still didn’t get it: This is a fake interview written purely on the basis of the author’s imagination of how the actual interview would have been if we got the chance to interview these famous (for all the wrong reasons) personalities in real. In short, just a good laugh.
(Tu paisa paisa karti hai plays in the background)
ED: Welcome Sir! ED is thrilled to have you!
NiMo: ED! What? ED Times you mean?
ED: Yes, yes! And don’t worry, we have you covered!
NiMo: Yeah no I’m fine. ED Times se darr nahi lagta sahab, ED se lagta hai…
ED: Ahem, on another note, we first and foremost want to ask you where you have been hiding all this while.
NiMo: I am not hiding. I am out in the open. It’s the inability of the ED and CBI to catch hold of me, plus as my advocate has said, I have done no crime, why should I be arrested in the first place?
ED: Oh as far as our knowledge goes ED has been finding NiMo… I mean, sorry, you, for quite a long time. And don’t question inability because the ED has provisionally attached thousands of crores of property and hundreds of bank accounts in your and Mr. Chowksi’s name and also seized diamonds, jewelry, and gold worth Rs. 5,100 crore.
NiMo: What? They did..? (Sobs)
ED: Yes, they did. In fact, your lawyer Mr. Vijay Aggarwal has issued statements that why would you go into hiding leaving behind thousands of crores of your property. Yeah, and it’s all seized now. CBI has taken help from Interpol. And anyway if you think you haven’t done anything, then why not appear before the court and seek justice!
ED: What happened Mr. NiMo?
NiMo: (getting aggressive) Nothing I’m still stuck at that Vijay Aggarwal.
ED: Oh, you wish to change your advocate?
NiMo: No, I wish to crack a ‘baniya joke’ :/
ED: Haha, well then sir you’re a gujju so we really shouldn’t start that…
ED: Ahem, let’s leave it at that. But, sir what about those unauthorized Letters of Undertaking and Credit? CBI has already arrested former PNB Deputy Manager Gokulnath Shetty, single window operator Manoj Kharat and the group’s authorized signatory Hemand Bhat for their role in issuing fake guarantees at a huge cost to the taxpayer.
NiMo: Look, all these PNB transactions are documented and CBI’s allegations are fake.
ED: Of course!
NiMo: So what?
ED: So clearly a major fraud has been committed and there are so many proofs to grind you and all you have to say is that ‘I haven’t done it?’ Someone has done it! Why would CBI frame you? What about the innocent taxpayer’s money? What should they do?
NiMo: It’s a secret, censor this part of the interview.
(We obviously didn’t)
ED: Oh, okay. (listening carefully)
NiMo: Just don’t pay tax, man! Flee the country whenever suitable. Never come back. Life sorted.
ED: Aren’t you aware of the new law for fugitives up for the winter session?
And if you aren’t too, then check this out: Govt. To Bring Law To Nab Economic Offenders Like Nirav Modi & Vijay Mallya Who Flee The Country
NiMo: (laughing) And they are doing this after all this? They literally waited for another person after Mallya, to do this? I’m sure until the time it is passed so many other fishes like this NiMo would have flung the country.
ED: Wow, so you admit to the crimes?
NiMo: What crimes? I am talking about other people.
Coming to my next question. What would you say about Priyanka Chopra terminating the contract with your brand?
NiMo: She did, didn’t she? I knew it. She wants to remain in NYC all her life and never return to India. ‘Aise log hote hai, apne hi desh ko bhul jate hai…’
ED: Ummm, well, didn’t you too?
NiMo: Was the question about me or her? Also, did you notice how she never got into trouble while campaigning for our brand but did for that Assam tourism calendar? She still did leave. It’s all about money I tell you. People do anything for money these days!
ED: I know right! (a sarcastic laugh accompanies my words). So, I’ll keep the last question of the evening light. Now that you’re not in India what do you miss the most? Except for khakra, dhokla, thepla etc.
NiMo: I miss Bollywood movies a lot! I don’t get to watch many of them here.
ED: Torrent sir! Movie aane se pehle hi ajata hai ab to proxy servers pe! Wait, I’ll tell you how to…
NiMo: Well, isn’t piracy a crime? I’d rather not watch movies.
ED: Yeah, of course, you won’t……
With this, we bid farewell to the ‘Baadshah’ of all fugitives, who is as good at evading questions as he is at arrest!
Design credits: Rishab Patel
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