Fake Friendly Fridays is an ED Original section where we use our unfettered imaginations to think what would happen if we sat down and talked with people we have always wanted to but can’t. This week, it’s the great baby/dictator/the guy who holds the key to destroying this world

Disclaimer: After the disaster that followed  ‘The Interview’, I got all my questions approved by the ministry. I mean I had little choice, they had a missile pointed at my house and a bomb at the only open McDonalds near my home. So, obviously, I had to agree.

This week we sit down with the most benevolent, most gracious, the eternal leader of Korea and the rightful ruler of the world and all the nine realms, Kim Jong Un.

Well, we didn’t exactly sit down as much as they forced their way into my computer, switched on my webcam and started the interview. There is a translator who is translating Korean to English

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ED  – Joh-eun achim choego jidoja

Kim- What the hell bruh? Speak to me in your lingo

ED Ummm

Kim– Man I haven’t fired a nuke or drove a tank or in two days, do you want me to fire one on you?

ED  – Sir, do you not hate all things western?

Kim Well I used to, but then my friend Donny came along and I realized if I nuke you guys, I won’t be able to watch Game of Thrones anymore. And I might as well throw my Naughty America… (incoherent)

*translator looks uncomfortable in saying the rest of the statement. Kim does the Aldeen neck swipe killing gesture and she is taken away*

* a new person is brought in*

Kim– Ah! Don’t mind that girl, my doctor says you should change them every 3 months

ED – I’m sorry sir but isn’t that for Toothbrushes?

Kim– well to quote my Facebook friend Angel Priya. ‘Change is Constant’

ED – Wait, You are on Facebook?

Kim– Oh yes. And Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. In fact, I constantly Snapchat with Donny and Xi. Xi looks so cute with the bunny filter…..

ED – So you Snapchat with the Chinese Premier?

Kim– oh yes! He is JinPingu99 and I am NukeBoy69. We Snapchat regularly. Just yesterday I sent him photos of our latest invasion plans for South Korea.

ED – I’m sorry, what?

Kim– What?

ED – What?

Kim– What?

ED – Anyway, moving on. Let’s get to know you a bit more, personally. What are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time?

Kim– I like to read, play basketball, kill political dissidents, drive tanks, test fire missiles on unsuspecting targets and play with bunnies.

ED– And what’s your favorite stress buster?

Kim– I play games.

ED– What kind of games?

Kim– How to blow up the traitor? Let me explain. You have 5 traitors. And you have a choice of 5 weapons – you have to choose a weapon and a traitor.

ED– That… sounds interesting. Many people have tried to leave North Korea and this has happened repeatedly. What do you say about that?

Kim– *gets red in the face, steam starts blowing out of his ears. Assistant pours water on his face and places ice pack while somebody plays Mary Had A Little Lamb in the background*

ED Alright, new question, you know what? Last question, if you were given the opportunity to sit down with a world leader to work out your issues. Would you go for it?

Kim– Of course, if they let me keep my nukes.

ED– If they don’t?

Kim– Fir toh Dangal Hoga.

*at that point I shut my PC down and pulled the plug and did not open it for two days*

fin


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