Breakfast Babble is ED’s own little space on the interwebs where we gather to discuss ideas and get pumped up (or not) for the day. We judge things, too. Sometimes. Always. Whatever, call it catharsis and join in, people.
Today is Tuesday. I’ve spent the last two days mentally rehearsing conversations, starting with the one I need to have with my boss. I’ve memorised every point, learnt it by heart, and mentally delivered it word for word in preparation for Thursday.
Thursday will come and go, and I won’t say a single one of those words.
I’ll convince myself it’s not the right time. I’ll decide Monday is a better day for this. I’ll walk past my boss’s cabin four times, only to return to my desk on the fifth.
Same story with my partner.
I make mental notes. I prepare an entire pie chart in my head- percentage hurt, percentage annoyed, percentage we need to talk. But I’m so anti-confrontation that none of its alphabets spell out my name. The conversation stays exactly where it was born. Inside my head, fully rehearsed but never delivered.
Even the smallest interactions don’t escape this habit.
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I want to ask a stranger which bus goes to my destination, but before I’ve opened my mouth, I’ve already played out the entire exchange. How I’ll casually start the conversation. How they’ll smile and point me in the right direction. Maybe we’ll even share one of those tiny, forgettable moments that somehow make your day.
By the time I’ve finished directing this imaginary scene, the bus has already left.
Without me.
Without the conversation ever happening.
Relatives taunt me at family gatherings, and I have the perfect comeback ready that’s witty, sharp, delivered with just the right amount of effortless confidence.
In my head.
Out loud, I smile, nod, and let the moment pass, the comeback still sitting in my throat, never spoken. It’s exhausting.
I write entire scripts, casting myself as the confident lead who says exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. Then the real moment arrives, and I simply… don’t show up for my own scene.
The curtain rises.
I’m still backstage.
Somewhere between the rehearsal and reality, I quietly cancel the show.
And so the cycle continues. I overthink the conversation before it happens, overthink why it never happened, and then start rehearsing it all over again for the next time.
Maybe one day I’ll realise that conversations were never meant to be perfect.
They were never meant to be scripted.
Until then, I’ll keep performing flawless monologues to an audience that exists only inside my head.
Sources: Blogger’s own opinion
Find the blogger: @diptisadh
This post is tagged under: breakfast babble, conversations, mentally rehearsing conversations, overthinking, anxiety, difficult conversations, confrontation, people pleasing, communication, psychology, self-awareness, mental health, lifestyle, mental rehearsal
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