Broootally Honest: 14 Things To Do When You Have No Social Life

No Social Life?

Sure there are chances you might just end up becoming a high-functioning sociopath but, well look at you…I mean seriously! You, a high functioning sociopath? What an insult to the phrase!

No! The only thing you end up being is hungover, extremely annoyed, antisocial, music-hating, hair loving (talking about depression beards and long locks), conversation ruining, sometimes creepy, food-hating, sleep loving, people hating, solace loving, silence hating, piece of meat with dark circles for eyes and a weight problem (I lost like 10 kgs, which is good…but it’s scary) constantly trying to find a reason to live because of course you are not the reason to live for.

So…read the title again and here we go:

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1. Sleep All Day:

Let’s be honest here if you have nothing to do, better recharge those batteries brah! Though both lack of and an excess of sleep are somewhat indicators of depression. I remember back when I only slept for like an hour each day, oh those dark circles under my eyes I tell ya. And then (now) I don’t remember waking up earlier than noon or even later…Pretty rad, ain’t it? You got no friends to keep happy? Sleep bro. Got nowhere to go to meet someone? Sleep Bro, Sleep!

anigif_enhanced-18303-1393881440-12. Stop going out (or to parties):

How can you? You don’t have a social life, strictly not counting your active “social life” on various social networking sites. Stop being there (literally), disappear (metaphorically), run away (again, metaphorically), do whatever but avoid interaction with Homo sapiens dude. Delete that Facebook profile if it helps. And trust me, it does…somewhat. Of course you can go out, but it’s advisable you avoid humans.

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3. Read books:

Since you’re sleeping less now, at least make sure you make an impression on young lads and lasses by becoming a walking encyclopedia. Yes, read books dude, do something productive. I remember (sadly so) this girl who had read Dickens, all of it…and damn, does (read: did) she sound awesome while talking. I don’t think there can be any recommendations for it…sit your ass down, pick up anything and read.

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4. Listen to infinite amounts of music:

If reading isn’t your cup o’ tea then good news! Music has been on earth for centuries and with the help of the internet (where you certainly have an awesome life) you can easily gain access to all of it. Don’t believe me?

The oldest song I have is a 15th-century medley… So go ahead, drink up Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Buckethead, Ed Sheeran (Ron Weasley for those who don’t know him), Faith No More, Rage Against The Machine, Tool, Mastodon, Karnivool, Kreator, Death, Mayhem, Arctic Moneys, The Pixies and so many more I can’t remember right now. Try some anti social-I hate the world-the world sucks-people suck-I hate people songs.

resized_dwight-schrute-meme-generator-giftedness-false-such-a-person-cannot-be-born-with-such-raw-talent-351e255. Develop a talent:

Usually number 1 on such lists but not here. Seriously bro, if you have no friends or people to distract you, you don’t go out, and you don’t sleep much then you better pull your socks up and become some talented fish or something.

Pick up that guitar that’s been gathering dust for months and try it out. So what if you suck, pick it up and play!

Collect stamps, collect pizza boxes, collect cats, collect squirrels (not rabies) become an AD&D legend but get yourselves a hobby to spend your time till you actually find yourselves a social life.

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6. Binge-Watch TV shows and Movies:

When was the last time you spent an entire day watching the entire The Lord of The Rings extended trilogy with special features? Never? Sit your ass down and finish it up!

I recommend you go for something that can numb (excite) you throughout the day. So Police Story is a good one (or is it Police Academy?), there’s LOTR + The Hobbit, Star Wars, Ghostbusters, Friends (even though you don’t have any, own the show at least!), Breaking Bad (because you need something super slow!), Community, and many more.

mrw-i-finish-binge-watching-cartoon-network-series-from-my-childhood-on-netflix-and-my-roommate-w-in-115654Oh damn, animes… yup, unleash the anti-social Otaku within, Go for Monster, Full Metal Alchemist (FMA & Brotherhood), Death Note, Attack on Titan, Pokemon, One Piece, Code Geass, Elfen Lied, etc etc… Don’t forget that bowl of ice cream though.

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Read More: 5 Great British Sitcoms You Can Binge-Watch Tonight

7. Buy Junk Online:

Since we’re all already buying shit we don’t really need you can always step up your game and get real ‘close’ to stuff.

Buy entire catalogs online and don’t regret it, of course, you should cry over the bills later but this is your life… fill it with physical, rock hard stuff that’ll last longer than most of your friends or well, others (you know what I mean).

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8. Get Fat:

Ah…probably the easiest step. Eat tons and tons of junk. Remember indulging in temptations distracts one from the shit that you call life or social life.

Unless you have an active metabolic system, coz that’d just suck in making you fat… you can get skinny, and I mean really skinny, think Jared Leto or Matthew McConaughey from Dallas Buyers Club. And while this happens, get naked in front of the mirror and look at yourself, feeling both awesome and miserable at the same time!

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9. Go Grumpy:

If you start feeling that you’re the human version of the Grumpy Cat then fella, you’re on the right path! The word to focus on is ‘HATE’. Hate everyone, don’t discriminate, hate every single thing that walks, or whatever you come across.

And what better way to show your hate than to couple it with indifference. Oh, that famous actor just won an award? “Meh”. Kim Kardashian broke the internet? “MEH” Tool will release an album pretty soon?…Well, you should be happy about that but still, “Meh”.

not_gonna_happen(What? You expect me to give you a funny pic before each point? Get lost bro!)

10. Cry:

Whoa! Dude! You got no life brah! CRY! It’s pretty basic, you know. Probably the reason you’re reading this right now is that you’re lonely and wanna know how to get yourselves back on track.

Lemme assure you that nothing is better than crying. No friends? Cry. No Bae? Easy, cry. No talent to pursue? F*** man, CRY! Become Mopeman. Yes! Exactly like “Bruce Wayne in Christopher Nolan’s trilogy, who uses his parents’ tragic death as a fuel to fight crime but turns into a total bum when his sorta bae dies” [inspired by Honest Trailers].

This is actually pretty cool if you’re into deep thinking because Mopeman’s only true power is deep, twisted, and dark thoughts, but definitely not thoughts about a better future though. Come on! I’m not telling you how to be happy! Become Mopeman, oh and cry.

11. Stare at the Ceiling:

This is for those who have a hard time reading, or watching TV, or sleeping, or listening to music. Sadly, my friend, you’re one of the worst!

Doing this often results in automatic Mopeman Engage and constant playing with one’s glorious hair, though it’s still fun. Stare at the ceiling all day.

And if someone asks what you’re doing, recite an awesome dialogue from one of the movies you’ve watched, for example, “It’s your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time” or “Does he look like a b****?”. Trust me this works, kind of.

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12. Turn into a Workaholic:

Depression isn’t always bad you know, and depression due to loneliness is even better. All you have to do is look at it differently.

To be honest, once you cross a line that makes you think that your situation will never improve till you do something about it, you realize that you would’ve finished your entire year’s chores in a matter of weeks, even days. Spend time where you actually need to. Though this might lead to the next step.

fight_club13. Start a Fight Club:

Because all you have is a miserable life where you wake up, travel, go to work, meet the same people, get back home, meet the same people and go to sleep and in between all this, you work, eat, piss and shit.

So what better use to a nonexistent social life than starting your very own Fight Club! I won’t talk much about this one because I don’t wanna break the first and second rule of Fight Club.

14. Make Such Lists:

Well, we’ve all been at a point of time in our lives when being “useless” and “good for nothing” is the best we can be.

So, the best way to kill time is to write endless 1500+ word blogs you know no one’s gonna read. But at least you’ll look busy, so that’s something nice, right?

Because everyone around you is “busy” and has “work” to do and has “matters to take care of”. Humans, I tell ya!

There you go, those are some pretty cool things to do with no social life, don’t you think? Ahhh, who cares?

Image Credits: Google Images


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