Happy New Year fellas! Time to say adios to 2013 and welcome 2014! Yaa, yaa…I know you guys are still suffering from last night’s party’s hangover. Don’t worry, I am just going to add to your woes (evil smile) coz I am going to give you a 2013 hangover now! What’s it for you ask! Well, because I am a magnanimous soul, you see and I thought some people have still not got their dues for all the sneers and barbs we have planted on them and all the crazy jokes and trolls that made you go LOL and ROFL the year round. So, we at ED, decided to talk to these top news makers of 2013 (well they gave us content for our blogs dearies…so much for diplomacy!) and asked them their favorite picks of the year…so read along ..
Barrack Obama: 2013 was such a fulfilling year for me, the best of my days you see! You know, I was so tired of seeing my wife steal the show each time with her showstopper dresses and all..I mean, I was just nowhere, apart from those boring and drab business dailies. And then, my life transformed when I chanced upon this Indian show Bigg Boss (Oh and that Khan Guy! He’s so bloody hilarious with that constipated way of talking of his). It was such a big realization you know…all you have to do is create controversies and there you are…what a sure shot formula for exciting the paparazzi. So, while I won the Nobel PEACE (followed by a hearty laugh by the man himself) Prize, I thought hmm…let me make this juicy with some ‘USA is indeed the Big Boss’ veil and what better way for it than using the Middle-Eastern puppets of mine and boom! (that’s how everybody heard it in Syria! LOL). Ah! My first break in the glorious world of controversies! Ooh , ooh I almost forgot about my selfie! God I loved that! I mean, could you even fathom that….it was even more popular than Miley Cyrus’s twerking act! Sob…Sob..you guys made me nostalgic! Don’t leave without a selfie with me..I am getting all these framed in the White House you know!…Click! (phew! Yaa ..these are the kind of people we have to face..all for you guys!)
Bashar-al-Assad: (we were scared to death for this one…but then we just guzzled a can of Mountain Dew..kyunki darr ke aage jeet hai..does wonders!) Kill them all! I don’t bloody care if I am left with just a piece of land to rule! (Yes sir! That’s what you will be left with once you have exterminated the entire Syrian populace with your in numerous genocides) Russia will loan me some people to dictate and torture..Putin just loves me so much! Anyways, getting back to the point…there was nothing special in 2013 for me…we just stuck to our policies…my father maintained an iron-clad regime and I just followed his legacy..I know UN people have made me so popular and I was the Santa –Claus to the States after all USA got some business from me with the whole Obama scheme of arming these god-forsaken rebels…but I won’t be defeated..2014 is going to get even better…I will make sure we touch new heights in the field of human rights violations. Hahahahahaha…..(and we fled the scene).
Chinese Military: A toast to 2013! We were successful yet again in encroaching on the Indian territory and lovely Indians…they take the whole ‘hindi-chini bhai bhai’ thing so seriously, that they never-ever stop us. Leave that, they even allowed us to include some portion of their territory as ours in our maps…such a big gift…Indians, you are truly so kind hearted! Psstt…don’t tell to this anyone (actually you can…not that anybody really cares)…we have a secret plan of exporting some Chinese populace to India, just an extension of our hallmark ‘Made-in-China’ marketing plan.
Ben Bernanke: (We love him so much, we took a new year’s gift for him..a box of tissue papers!) Sob..Sob..Sob…Sob..Thank you for the tissue papers. I needed them so much.These guys at the Fed, they are so evil! How can they remove me? I am the Chairman of the Federal Reserve…the savior of this world! I fulfilled every man’s dream, printed billions of dollar, so much so, that even my money plant had dollar bills instead of leaves by the time the third round of quantitative easing started and what did that Obama do! He ousted me!! Sob…sob..sob(well, that’s all he could speak in between his crying sessions and we bade him farewell before he could come up with a plan of ravaging the world with yet another out-of-the-box monetary policy.)
Manmohan Singh: (well this was a rather long conversation…he didn’t say anything for 5 hours, until we got a permission letter from Sonia Gandhi granting him the permission to speak) Happy new year to everybody! I had a blast, literally, a blast in 2013! Everybody, right from Arnab Goswami to the chai-wala (these economists are just so witty!) on the street ‘blasted’ me for my inaction. Well, I will let you in on a small secret of mine…I was chatting with my buddy Nawaz Shareef from Pakistan, when he was explaining me the theory of ‘Actions speak louder than words’, you know justifying their actions of randomly shooting our soldiers on the borders. I was so inspired by his ways and at that very moment I decided I should follow his lead. So, you see, I never have any words and this year, I translated them into NO actions too! Smart, isn’t it! That’s all…Sonia ji granted me permission to speak only for 10 minutes. May the Indian economy stoop to new lows this year! (Um…we really didn’t see this one coming!) We tried to set up a small rendezvous with the Indian Rupee too, but his doctor, Dr. Rajan told us, he’s still in I.CU. and shall remain critical for the next six months. Anyways, shake yourselves out of that hangover now and get a cuppa of good cappuccino…2014 is calling you! Ciao!