By Sneha Barua
Before you read our absolutely lit interview with the renowned God man (and sleazebag) Sakshi Maharaj, here is a disclaimer about a content style in ED Times referred to as Fake Friendly Fridays. Here you go:
Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we pick a famous personality and throw fake questions at him/her and in return, we receive fake answers. Why should you not take it seriously? Because it is fake.
If you still didn’t get it: This is a fake interview written purely on the basis of the author’s imagination of how the actual interview would have been if we got the chance to interview these famous (for all the wrong reasons) personalities in real. In short, just a good laugh.
*Fake Friendly Friday title track plays in the background*
*Camera zooms on the interviewer*
ED: “Ladies and gentlemen and our beloved controversy lovers, in this episode of Fake Friendly Fridays you all are in for a wild ride because our today’s guest is none other than the self proclaimed God man and one of the most controv…ahem influential politicians, Sachchidanand Hari Sakshi a.k.a. Sakshi Maharaj!
*Loud booing from the audience*
SM: (Entering with a life-size picture of a cow) “Dhanyawad ED Times aur mere priye desh vasiyo. Jai Shri Ram. (studies the audience) Yeh kya ashleelta laga rakhi hai? Why are these boys and girls sitting together? This is love jihad. It must be stopped. Hinduism doesn’t allow all this….”
*Interviewer interrupts him*
ED: “Calm down, Sakshi Maharaj ji. As much as you like to make eccentric statements, this is a national platform. I would suggest you quiet down. So, you are known for making rather contentious statements about sensitive issues. Do tell us how you come up with all this shit…. I mean shizz?”
SM: “Arre is mein kya badi baat hai. I toh only say what is true and speak from my heart. I think every politician should do that. Diplomacy gayi tel lene. Everyone should speak out and stop the wrong doings in this society.”
ED: *Totally judging him* “So, you think blaming the Muslims for population explosion and telling Hindu women to give birth to at least 4 children to protect Hinduism is apt?”
SM: “Absolutely! Muslim people keep marrying and reproducing. Aise toh humara Dharm khatre mein hain! We have to get ahead of them and reproduce at a faster rate!”
*Interviewer looking flabbergasted*
ED: “So you view women as only baby producing machines, eh?”
SM: “Absolutely! Uhhh…..I mean why not. They have the gift of giving birth.”
ED: *Controlling the urge to kick his ass* “Moving on, you further said that cow slaughter should be punishable by death. Why such extremist views?”
SM: “Chee chee, yeh aapne kya keh diya? Gau humari maata hain, maa ko kaun khata hain? Cow meat should be banned. Cow slaughters should be slaughtered. We should switch to drinking cow urine instead! Gau Maata ki Jai.”
*Gross looks around the audience*
ED: “Oh Sakshi Ji, please stop or I’ll puke. Okay, so about the controversy around the Ram Mandir…”
SM: *Interrupting rather aggressively* “Arre Ram Mandir toh ab banke rahega. BJP has arrived in UP and Hinduism will prevail! Even Lord Ram himself cannot stop the construction of Ram Mandir! Jai Shri Ram.”
*Interviewer starting to get a headache*
ED: “Okay, ignoring the most ridiculous comments you ever made, the one that cannot be ignored is the statement you made about Gurmeet Ram Rahim being innocent. What do you have to say about that?”
SM: “Kehna kya hain. He is obviously being framed in a false rape case. He’s as pure as Ganga Maiyyan!”
ED: “But, what about the two rape victims and the Supreme Court who has convicted Gurmeet Ram Rahim already?”
SM: “Arre sab jhooth hai. Bakwas hai. Yeh bik gayi hai Supreme Court. Sab milke hum sabko pagal bana rahe hai. Kaha se aate hai yeh log, kaun hai yeh log? Why should we pay heed to all the evidences against him? We would ignore all facts because why not! Jai Ram Rahim.”
ED: *Hands itching to slap* “Oh yeah? Then what about the rape and murder allegations against you Mr. Godman?”
SM: *Getting red faced* “Yeh rape kya hota hain? Yeh murder kya bala hain? Humko kuch nhi pata! Hum baal brahmachari hain. Jai Hanuman Ji ki.”
*Interviewer takes her AK-47 out and almost willing to shoot*
ED: “Oops! My bad.”
So, this brings ED Times’ exclusive interview with (late) Sakshi Maharaj to a dramatic end. Tune in for some more action in FFF’s next episode!
Till then, Alvida, Khuda Hafiz!
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