By Aishwarya Kumar“Ah, Sheetal. Long time. Send me a friend request on FB!”
“What a grand honeymoon Anil gave her, no? I saw it on facebook.”
“OMG! Bala has a girlfriend. He just changed his relationship status on FB.”
“How in the world does Asha get so many likes on her FB photos? She’s ugly.”
When I say Facebook, I’m sure there is no one in the world today, who would find a need to ask what it means. Does not matter if you are a hormonal teenager, a burly uncle, a gossip monger aunty, a chhota baccha, an animal or a stuff toy – your brains have a Facebook chip fit in permanently. If I were to hazard a wild guess, I’d say right now everyone reading this MUST have a Facebook tab open on the side with chat messages popping in while they are reading this. Well, if this article can hold your attention for 5 full minutes without peaking or wanting to peak even at once in your adjacent Facebook tab – I’d consider it an achievement I’ve unlocked.
With Gen Y dominating the online world, Facebook has emerged victorious among all social networking sites in a short span of 7-8 years. Don’t we all have Facebook IDs and happily flaunt it? Before you think that I’m here to promote Facebook or talk about boring things such as its success rate and growth stats, let me get to the point.
Alongside the rapid growth of Facebook in the social arena, there is also a separate branch of people on the website doing their own kind of social networking…social fake-working precisely. I’m talking about people who have taken the adage ‘If you fake it, you will make it’ way too seriously and are wreaking havoc on other facebook users’ lives. A thing like this superficial that made me want to rename Facebook as ‘Fakebook’. Below are 5 most fake and annoying people you will find on facebook:
- A brand in need, is a brand indeed
The above phrase applies to people on facebook harboring a utopian mindset – with a twist. They are out to create a ‘brand’ new world. The twist is that by ‘brand new’, they don’t mean a refined, a better world. When they say ‘brand’, they are referring to Gucci, Prada, Armani & many more. These people behave as if transforming the world into ‘brand-conscious idiots’ is the only goal of their life. And, this is not where it ends. They assume it as their duty to educate us lesser mortals about all the details of all the brands they have used or are using currently. Yesterday only, there was a very baffling photo of a friend that I had the (mis)fortune of coming across. What made her photo interesting to me was the fact that her face wasn’t visible at all. It was a selfie taken through a mirror from her OMGOMGOMG Apple iPad (which covered her face completely, but you couldn’t miss the apple logo even if you were blind) and wearing her OMGOMGOMG Mango dress. (Which was very casually mentioned in the caption. Capital letters and all. Very casual.) For a moment, I marveled at her pig-headedness. I even felt bad for her; surely she was going to be laughed at for putting a faceless photo as her profile picture, right? Wrong. Just then I saw the 500 likes & 100 comments by girls gushing – “Ooh, Mango! What a pretty dress! What a chic iPad!” and became silent. Apparently on facebook, having branded items in your kitty is equivalent to having loads of money in your bank & has the power to make you a celebrity overnight. Almost everyday, you will see someone posting a smiling picture of them with their branded phone, bag, shoes etc. I understand that this might be the first time you had bought a branded item, but announcing it to the world is not cool.
- Tumhare paas maa hai to kya hua? Mere paas banglaa hai, gaadi hai, paisa hai.
No, I haven’t forgotten the original dialogue nor is this a poor attempt at humor. The above lines represent the mindset of certain people on Facebook. For them have a good relationship, a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on is not a big deal. I had heard of the phrase, “Money talks” but I saw it happening in front of my eyes only on Facebook. If you have banglaa, gaadi and lot of money – it’s a crime if you don’t flaunt it. Who says money can’t buy happiness? If Facebook statuses are anything to go buy, I’d say wealthy people are the happiest ones to walk on this earth. If you are going abroad, staying in a posh hotel – how can you not post statuses after statuses disclosing your exact (and very exotic) location or post 100 pictures of your luxurious stay there?
A recent Facebook status of a friend – “Feeling really depressed at Taj hotel, Delhi. Even double scoops of the hotel’s special Belgium Choco Chip ice cream isn’t helping. Whattodo?”
I’m not making that up. Need I say more?
- Tauba tera jalwa. Tauba tera pyaar. Tera Emotional Atyaachaar.
Yes you guessed it. This section is about people who have Nirupa Roy’s horcruxes inside them, who have so much ‘dard’ in their ‘dil’ that it can’t be contained and came out in the form of super melodramatic Facebook statuses. More often than not, you don’t know what it means or whom it is directed to. Sometimes even they don’t know what it means. A certain Taylor Swift is the dime-goddess of such emotional beings, her songs of break-up and betrayal are used, reused & over-used as sad Facebook statuses. I don’t know if they want sympathy from the online janta for their sad and unhappy lives or these statuses are a way to secretly convey a message to someone without being upfront. A little advice to all such people – If you want someone to know how sad your life is without then use the personal messaging feature that FB has kindly provided. Trust me, being ambiguous is not going to help. Even the non-concerned people will ask you a small question ‘What happened?’ on your status out of politeness and then go on with their lives. If you’re upset then how will it help you by putting statuses on FB?
- I hate you like I love you…and the whole world should know this!
I love watching rom-coms. I like watching a boy and a girl committing to spend their rest of their lives together. I am okay with some amount of PDA. I can also tolerate guys and girls looking at each other with goo-goo eyes, though it does creep me out. But when I see guys and girls displaying their relationships on a public pedestal for the world to see and sharing inconsequential monumental details of their relationship on Facebook – it annoys the hell out of me.
We all have few friends on Facebook who believe in spreading love around, quite literally. Cheesy Facebook statuses, blatant declarations of love on each other walls, hearts and kiss emoticons galore – they leave no stone unturned. Couples fight on Facebook and make up on Facebook. One wonders whether making love and getting married on Facebook is going to be the next big thing. *shudder*
Relationship statuses are changed and re-changed on facebook faster than the speed of light, and every new step in a relationship is blown out of proportion. Honeymoon pictures, anniversary pictures, and break-up party pictures – are advertised. I am all for expressing love for your better half, yaar. But posting details of your next date, describing everything from the dress you wore to the food you ate, personal likes and dislikes to your dirty bedroom secrets with the world – doesn’t that get a bit too much? How can you not puke?
- A win-win situation
FB status 1: My daughter won the inter-school tennis tournament. I’m a proud mom.
FB status 2: My wife has been crowned Mrs. Chandigarh. Congrats, love!
FB status 3: Yay! 95% in boards. I am a happy bunny.
Ring a bell? The above statements aren’t entirely unfamiliar, are they?
Won a recent competition? Made an enviable score in Candy Crush Saga or Temple run? Topped your exams?
Go ahead. Brag about it on FB, and let the whole world know. After all sharing increases happiness, doesn’t it? And a few hundred compliments and congratulation messages won’t hurt. No matter how mundane your achievement is, or if it is not at all yours…but your relative’s, friend’s or neighborhood doodhwaala’s – if you don’t post it as your status so that all your acquaintances and ahem… enemies know about it, you’re not doing Facebook right.
Phew! I hope that this list serves as a reminder for those who find themselves one of the above… then maybe this can act as a ‘What not to do on Facebook’ list for you. Because trust me, the antics of such people are not particularly appreciated in the online world.
Not that I have anything at all against having oodles of money to spend, wearing branded clothes, feeling great about the way we look or being grateful for the wonderful people in our lives. I think that’s awesome. It is when it becomes an obvious act or a facade that I want to log off. Like the woman who posted how “perfect” her kids are, then I see her 20 minutes later at the local pizza shop yelling at them like her head was spinning with pea soup coming out of it.
Pray tell me, do you go around meeting people in real life with your face covered by a huge iPad? Do you talk in riddles to your friend, with weird twisted words when you want something from her or ask her right away? Do you keep saying, “I love you” to your better half all the time? Do you call your neighbors to dinner and talk to them about your new unlocked level in Candy Crush Saga? Rhetorical questions. I think you now know what I mean.