Disclaimer: Originally published in December 2017. It is being republished since it still remains an interesting topic till today.
Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we pick a famous personality and throw fake questions at him/her and in return, we receive fake answers. Why should you not take it seriously? Because it is fake.
If you still didn’t get it: This is a fake interview written purely on the basis of the author’s imagination of how the actual interview would have been if we got the chance to interview these famous (for all the wrong reasons) personalities in real. In short, just a good laugh.
Today we have amongst us, perhaps the most sought-after person in India, none other than *drumroll* our very own – ‘Sharmaji ka beta’.
*Sharmaji ka beta walks in and sits on the sofa, he appears calm right now, rest, time will tell.*
ED: Hi, ‘Sharmaji ke bete’! Though I’d really like to know your name. Everyone addresses you by your last name only, so…
SKB: I don’t want to tell you my name.
ED: Oh, well… But why?
SKB: You know I see all these ‘sharmaji ka beta’ trolls and memes and it’s better they remain kinda anonymous, with just the last name. So you know it could be anyone.
I just saw how it was used for Anushka Sharma and Rohit Sharma recently. So that way no one knows it’s really me.
ED: But they are mostly all about how intelligent and smart you are, so why don’t you like them?
SKB: Intellectual humility makes you a better thinker and a better person. So I wouldn’t want to boast of my knowledge really.
ED: Hmmm, well that’s nice to hear. So, ‘Sharmaji ke bete’ aka SKB, coming to the point. We have a few complaints about you from people, can I start with them?
SKB: Go ahead, make my day!
*I stare at him and the camera?*
A negative judgment gives you more satisfaction than praise, provided it smacks of jealousy.
Also read: Anu Malik Talks About Judging Indian Idol’s 99th Season In This Week’s Fake Friendly Friday!
ED: Yeah, well. So there have been students writing to me, most probably your classmates and neighbourhood friends and they say that your exceptional hard work always gets them a scolding at home. You know maybe you should relax at times. There’s no need to be perfect at everything.
SKB: Hey lady, now let me tell you something. Were you and these kids brought up in a household with no consequences? In our house, there was either hard work or you could wreck alone.
Talking of perfection, do you know, whales that sing the wrong key get lost and are alone in the ocean?
Do you want to be the whale that gets lost just because you did a stupid mistake? Because you relaxed and didn’t want to be perfect?
ED: Woah! Okay, so do you mean you are absolutely perfect and that you win at everything?
SKB: As I mentioned earlier I won’t really boast of my intellect. Perfection? Yes, I try and do everything perfectly. Whether I am perfect or not, I leave it to you.
Talking of winning. If the stats are anything to go by I do always win.
Sharmaji ka beta either wins or quits the game because the game is unfair, he never loses practically.
ED: And are you okay with the fact that people might really not like you/hate you because of this?
SKB: Can one die of constipation? Coz I don’t wanna even imagine the amount of shit people are filled with!
Look, I can’t really help if I drive people crazy. People are good to you when they need you. The rest of the time? Well, they’re all jerks. And jerks shouldn’t be the ones you should be listening to. They should be placed somewhere where everyone can see how jerky they are, like a rock or you know a jerk stand.
The problem arises when ‘you’ need them, but I don’t need anyone.
In fact, I can do everything on my own. I can even perform surgery on my own body. Last week I convinced my doctor that I could perform ureteroscopy on my own and he did my surgery for free.
ED: What? Surely you can’t be serious!
SKB: Yes I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. *falls from the sofa laughing*
ED: Ahem, well. It was so nice talking to you sir. Lastly, if you could end this interview by giving a message to all the young ones.
SKB: Earth is full. Go home.
See, I know why you’re asking me to give a message. Because I have done some great appraisable work. I mean it’s nice to have people come to you and say… hey you did a good job; here have a cookie or a certificate in case they’re out of cookies.
It’s a nice feeling. I think it’s a cause of celebration; in this case it is about celebrating me.
ED: (interrupting): Sir, your message…
SKB: Well, the world looks a lot easier from behind your interviewing pad dear.
*I look at the camera and put my pad down*
It’s a tough world my friend. We’re at war. The war to achieve excellence. From the time we were born to the time we’ll die, this war will continue. Soak up in sweat and blood, because people will kill you if you don’t hit back.
People will tell you to not listen to me and some might also say that this all is a part of a fake interview, but well you decide. For the glory of our motherland…
ED: (interrupts again): Yeah, well if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
Say adieu to the not-so-beloved ‘Sharmaji ka beta‘ guys!
And well that was the end of this week’s segment my friends, do tune in next week for more!
Design Credits: Rishabh