Thursday, July 18, 2024
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Fake Friendly Fridays With The Oh-So-Popular Chetan Bhagat


By Anna George

Fake not-so-Friendly not-really-Friday is our weekly feature where we  grill interview a darling celebrity. All of this of course takes place inside our heads and is a concoction of our imagination. The fun and answers are spot on though!

Chetan Bhagat

ED: Hello everyone, this week on Fake Friendly Fridays, we have unfortunately the most popular writer in India, Chetan Bhagat.

Hello, Sir.

CB: Namaste.

ED: Sir, from an IITian to an IIM graduate, you went to become a writer, and then a reality TV show judge. Why this sudden change in careers? 
CB: You see, I went to I-I-T. And we engineers are a clever breed. We are jacks of all trades. So, when we start sucking at one trade we shift to another.

ED: Er, Could you explain a bit?
CB: Look, in school I didn’t understand physics or chemistry. So, I mugged up the tricks that coaching centres teach you and got into IIT ! When I sucked at engineering, I fooled the admissions committee at IIM A and got into management. IIM taught me to make an impact at my workplace. And oh, I did make an impact shortly after I was hired.

ED: And what was that, sir? 
CB: I led Peregrine, my employer, to bankruptcy right after I joined!

ED: Wow! But then you went on to fool Goldman Sachs too sir? 
CB: Ahhh, yes. They soon realised their mistake though. Those bankers were a smart lot. Then came the recession and you know the first guy who Goldman fired? I always liked to come first. I’m an IITian after all.

ED: And so you became a writer when you had nothing else to do?
CB: You’re catching on. I capitalized on the market potential of the IIT brand. If IIT can get you a job, a bank account, a girlfriend and dowry, it can make you a best-selling writer too. That is why I chose writing as a career option.

ED: But how did you end up becoming a Screen Writer? 
CB: Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Rajkumar Hirani. They borrowed my story and made a box-office hit! And you know where they put my name?

ED: Was it in the list of Junior Artists? 
CB: Those bast***s! How could they! That’s when I decided to become a screen writer. Anyway, my books weren’t doing well either. Writing for a commercial movie is so easy. You just need to eliminate common sense.

ED: Now you are becoming more involved in politics and social causes- like the ‘fast for her’ campaign and ‘award wapasi’. What could be the possible reason?
CB: Well, I am trying for an easy job, you see. A job where the brains and effort would be minimum and I can afford my lavish lifestyle. So I tried to be an activist. And I choose saas-bahu serial topics like Karva Chauth. I tried egging one party but then they lost power so I am all for another party. I am hoping I would become a member in their PR team where I can edit their social media websites. I have proved that I am good at fooling people. It’s called Optimization.

ED: Sir, you have also proved that you can annoy some people. And recently, Historians seemed to be quite annoyed with you. 
CB: What did I say to offend them? I just don’t understand what these historians do. This happened, then this happened. Okay, work done for the day. They didn’t go to IIT. They are dumb people, you see.

ED: But sir, do you really think you have been representative of the reputation of the colleges you went to? 
CB: Of course I have. I benefited from a subsidized education thanks to tax payers’ money. And now, like most other Alumni, I can live a great life without having to give back to society. Isn’t that what these institutes stand for?

ED: Er, okay. But sir, what are your future plans? 
CB: I am trying for an opportunity in politics. I am popular and educated. I don’t have a criminal background, so I can be a mascot as well. I might have to change my religion to increase my prospects. And I need to work out something fast, since I have tapped all the opportunities around. You said you are working for a blog right? Shall I work for you? I can fetch likes in a jiffy.
ED: Sorry Sir, we publish only quality stuff.

*Long pause from both parties…..twiddling of thumbs by both parties….guess it’s time to end it*
Ok folks, with that, it’s a wrap of this interview, catch you at the next fake friendly Friday.
Until then, go read Professor Snape’s interview.
Navni Bhatia
Navni Bhatia
Navni Bhatia, protector of the realm of all things quirky, has a fetish for cute stationary and is annoyingly similar to Monica Geller.



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