Bollywood Weekends: Hole in YOUR Pockets

happySooo I went for this movie called Happy New Year. And while I was sitting there in my seat impatiently, waiting for the new year celebrations to begin (while it was still Diwali), something hit me- a realization. The realization that I did not really like three middle aged men, a kid, a tall guy with abs (okay, that I did not particularly mind) and a girl dancing to what seemed like to me, as if the lyricist had closed his eyes and picked out the first few phrases that he stumbled upon. So, this story was about these eccentric thieves who plan a robbery by dancing their way through it. And guess what? They did rob! Me!

But this is certainly not the first time I’ve been duped. Here are a few mistakes of my life:

d3_1440x900DHOOM-3:

The story is about a man trying to run ‘The Great Indian Circus’ which had once been shut down. Oh, but he’s actually very clever thief that contradicts all the laws of Physics and blows up money. Very clever. So, as it turns out, this very clever, apparently supernatural, psychotic thief actually wants to avenge the Bank for they shut down his father’s circus because he couldn’t pay back the loan. Yes, because “how insensitive was that! How could they do it? They shut down the bank just because my father couldn’t pay back his debts?!”

And two cops, one being the smartass and the other being his sidekick who probably has wet dreams about any and every woman he meets are determined to catch this mastermind because no other police force in the world can get the job done. And the rest of the story goes on with the chase (still contradicting basic laws of Physics with the badass cop jumping into the air, beating up a guy while in the air and following the same trajectory back to the bike that he had been riding). Oh and. Double role! Yay! (But they both jump off the bridge at the end. So. :| )

KP07KICK:

A fickle minded chap who looks for ‘Kick’ in everything that he does and thus resigns from every job that he lands because of lack of ‘Kick’ (Who the ‘devil’ says unemployment is a problem in India? No no!) . So, he makes a pretttyyy damn hot psychiatrist fall in love with him for he’s a nice guy, after all (Nice guys finish last, you say? Pshh!). Another man (who’s a cop and is pretty pissed at this thief who calls himself ‘Devil’) wants this hot psychiatrist too.

Yada yada Chasing. Yada yada Dialogues. Oh, but wait! This thief is actually very nice, for he robs the rich off their wealth and distributes it to the destitute (Aww! That’s like the Robin Hood of Bollywood!).  Thief challenges the cop that he won’t be able to handcuff him no matter what. (Badass!) By the end of this not-so-scattered tale, the thief becomes a cop so now the former cop cannot put him behind bars for he’s been made in-charge of his own case (wut?), gets the hot psychiatrist and the former cop loses out on his job as well as the girl.

chennai-express-posterCHENNAI EXPRESS:

A forty something man whose grandfather has just died has to perform his last services, for which he takes his last remains. To Goa (his grandmother obviously believes he’s going to Haridwara ). Plans to meet up with his friends there. Boards “Chennai Express”. Meets pretty girl. Finds out she’s been abducted. Tries to help her. Becomes hostage himself. But boom! He finds out that she’s been abducted by her father’s own men (who, by the way, is like this badass mafia of the Chennai area), for she tried to escape her marriage with this reaaallllyy buff guy (I can understand why).

Girl tells father that she’s in love with this man to save her butt. This man doesn’t know the language. A lot of repetitive jokes, stretched plot and an item song later, they try to escape. A lot of irrelevant jokes, scattered events and a love song later, they realize they have fallen in love with each other WHILE this man is getting brutally beaten up by her father’s men (Because. Bollywood. HAVE to beat up the hero). Aaaand a couple of ILoveYou’s later, happy ending.

Siiiggghhhhh.

Now, carefully, take your hand and put it in your pocket. Do you feel something? Do you feel some air getting through (no pun intended)? Yes! That’s a hole right there! Guess what? You’ve been duped too! :D

Breaking News! ALL of these flicks are “elite” members of the 100cr club (The hundred crore club, as referred to by the industry, is one that has been “formed” by the Hindi Film Industry trade analytics and the media, which by definition, is the “club” whose members are only those who reach the mark of net INR 100cr, at least)

Redundant stories, illogical plots, scattered stories and just about the same item songs in almost every movie. And yet we muster all the enthusiasm that we can and go watch every new release every Friday just because (be it because “OHMYGOD SHAHRUKH!” or “OHMYGOD I LOVE THE MUSIC” or “OHMYGOD I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THIS FRIDAY”). The severe lack of intelligent cinema and minimal acknowledgement to that which is made so sincerely is absolutely mortifying.

So, as I sit here tonight and pour my heart out, there’s only one thing left for me to wish for. May I never be misled into believing in all these ostensibly true lies, may my heart never be broken by these redundant dreams that they’re trying to sell so badly.

There is a dire need for more intelligent cinema to be made in the Hindi Film Industry or “Bollywood” as they call it. It’s time we put the superfluous dialogues, regurgitated stories and too high to be true flying kicks to a rest and appreciated good stories just for the stories that they are.

 

 

By Dhwani Mohan

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