Contrary to what feminists will say, men and women, are different, at least physically. DUH. But that’s not all. According to an article by Medical Daily, women live longer than men. Not because they are more responsible, but because of inherent differences in the genes of men and women.

On an average, men live for 76.4 years and women for 81.2 years. That’s a pretty big gap. The reason that the article gives gets a bit scientific. So bear with me.

Most of us are aware of the fact that women have 2 X Chromosomes. So, this second X chromosome provides a backup in case of a genetic mutation. Whereas we men have an X and a Y chromosome. No backup. We dead.

So, this genius website with its genius research has suggested 5 genius, absolutely genius, oh-stop-janaab type ways for men to live longer.

Warning- they might contain latent sexism.

  1. Stare at boobs

Really, I mean come on! Really!? Stare at boobs? That’s like giving license to every sleazy pervert out there to just go ahead and cite this article by a reputed website as the reason for why he has been staring at a girl with his mouth open.

I was just trying to increase my lifespan. Right to life

Also, the analysis that they give is that staring at boobs (gets more ridiculous every time I type it) generates positive thoughts in your mind, just like watching cute animals does. Creepy much? You just compared staring at boobs to watching cute cat videos. So does that mean that whenever I am watching cute cat videos, I am watching porn?


Read More: SexED: Coming Out As a Demisexual, And Decoding Its Many Myths

  1. Have Lots of Sex

I. Can’t. Even.

Validation for all sex freaks out there. Why were you not doing what you were supposed to? Oh, let me see? I was just trying to live longer, boss.

My head hurts. Moving on.

  1. Get married

I am pretty sure my mom bribed the website to put this there.

Anyway, I think your life expectancy decrease once you get married. The ever-present risk of getting hit in the head with a flying chappal or a belan and then suffering brain damage is too damn high.

The ever-present risk of getting hit in the head with a flying chappal is too damn high

In all seriousness, the website says

A survey of over 127,000 American adults found men who marry after age 25 get more protection than those who get hitched at a younger age, and the longer a man stays married, the greater his survival advantage compared to his single counterparts

So, basically, if I get married and take on extra responsibilities as well as further a restrictive societal institution which chokes people more than free them, I will live longer?No sir.

I frankly don’t believe that getting married and living longer has any correlation. Maintain your health and your age ticker will keep ticking.

  1. Become a parent

In all probability, this was put there on behest of my grandparents who want to see my kids before they die. Ah, family! Thou art strange.

Becoming a parent apparently, increases your life expectancy because you become “responsible”. To quote the website “men and women with at least one child had lower death risks than their childless counterparts.

Man, I know I will be a bit more careful around a kid, but I won’t exactly play Minesweeper with actual mines if I don’t have a kid, ya know.

I won’t exactly play Minesweeper with actual mines if I don’t have a kid

The website also says that childless people may have unhealthier lifestyles than parents. I don’t think they have seen Indian parents at weddings. Unhealthy is an understatement.

  1. Get a dad bod

My imaginary girlfriend: Get slim, you don’t look nice with this dad bod

Me: But according to this article, it is supposed to make me live longer

Her: How long will you live if I leave you right now?

Me: So, there is this gym 3 km away with an introductory price of….

That’s how I expect this conversation to go. But the journal says, “their increased fat levels also make them more attractive to women.” Bull****. If that was the case, I would be Dan Bilzerian right now. But I am not. Clearly.

If that was the case, I would be Dan Bilzerian right now

The journal also makes my head hurt by sayingThis change in body composition not only causes men to shop for more comfortable trousers but also facilitates increased survivorship and, hypothetically, a hormonal milieu that would more effectively promote and support paternal investment

You mean I will live longer just because I won’t look around for girls and invest my time in parenthood?

Matlab kuch bhi kahoge?

This article was a humorous and interesting read, kind of offered me a hope for the future. But the facts highlighted here are erroneous and their analysis is weak. Just because you have the sample size of a few caucasian males does not mean that it can be generalized for the entire globe.

Have a healthy lifestyle, Single or Committed, Married or not, With a child or Without. And you will live longer. Period. Bas.

Image Credits: Google Images

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