One day, I was sitting at the edge of the bed, warm tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering what went wrong.
Well, this isn’t another story about a teenage breakup. It is a story of self-hate and it is my story.
I am talking about this today because recently I read a post by comedian Tanmay Bhat on how he had to face the “social consequences” of being obese and how he was secluded by everyone, which ultimately made him get attracted towards food and alcohol. He said in his write-up that he was invited last to any party, and I felt it.
I was also a loner, or what they call, wallflower. I remember the time when I used to sit at the first seat of the class, mostly alone but that wasn’t the only problem.
In my school, we were not allowed to sit in the class during lunch break so I used to go downstairs, sit alone near a big ol’ tree and finish my food thinking why I was the one left out.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t try to mingle with my classmates but I don’t know for what reason they never entertained my requests to play with them, talk to them or sit with them.
I remember how much I hated the games period because the class was mostly divided into groups and no one wanted to take me in their group. Eventually, I voluntarily chose to be left out and made excuses for not playing.
I used to blame myself for all this and there would be days when I wouldn’t even like to see my face in the mirror. I used to despise myself so much so that I would even resort to self-harming, just to ensure that I hurt myself physically enough to overcome the emotional pain.
The scenario at home was no different. I used to lie down all day, watching television.
Later, I chose to make books my best friend in an attempt to overcome seclusion and anxiety which earned me the ‘nerd’ tag. I used to spend all my time during games period and lunch break in the library and when the librarian used to ask me why I wasn’t playing or eating outside, I would come up with one excuse or another. Clearly didn’t want to embarrass myself!
As I grew up, I was more and more concerned about my looks and my image as a nerd which aggravated my anxiety issues and depression. When college started, I was adamant about breaking that image and showing everyone that I am also beautiful and cool.
Eventually, I got engulfed by anxiety and to be honest, I started stammering and at times, I would just stay shush and use gestures to convey my statement.
I was told by a girl, whom I considered my bestie that I wasn’t good enough for the person I love and she told him that she can get him a more beautiful and wealthy girl than me. That broke me and that was probably the lowest point in my life.
Up till last month, I was struggling with anxiety and depression but then I realized that I am what I am and I do not need anyone’s approval for being what I am.
I overcame my anxiety and depression to a good extent and to this date, I am grateful to me for choosing myself over and above the social opinions.
Being someone who has faced bullying and has been secluded, I can say that the best gift a person can give to themselves is the courage of understanding that not everyone is worth changing for. I may sound very preachy but then, someone has to say this and speaking from my experience, don’t listen to what others say coz they don’t know you enough.
Follow your path and love yourself!
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Find the blogger at: @innocentlysane