Holi is around the corner, and in addition to being the festival of colours and revelry, it also provides ample opportunity for creeps to indulge in some groping, and to then hide behind the excuse, “Bura na mano, Holi hai!

Bhang-induced delirium and basically the high of having an excuse to touch a woman (gasp) because such things are usually frowned upon in our sanskaari society full of shuddh Bharatiya naaris who are holier-than-thou (unless you’re a cow) just adds to the rate of women who get sexually harassed during Holi.

From being groped in alleys on the way home from work, college or school on the pretext of being smeared with colour to being bombarded with balloons dropped off terraces filled with fluids other than water and Holi colour, there is no dearth of horror stories this time of the year.

Here are some (not so) practical tips to follow if you are an Indian woman who wants to be left alone this festive season:

• Invest in a cow mask. Wear it with the most sanskaari outfit you own. Chances are, people will even let you lie in the street without touching you. Vehicles will swerve around you. Cos ain’t nobody gonna harm gau-mata, right?

• Dress up like a member of a certain extreme right-wing Hindutva organisation (not taking names). You will be avoided like the plague. Bonus points for yelling “Jai Sri Ram!” every five minutes for no apparent reason.

• Do the Veerappan thing and speed around in an unlicensed ambulance (even if you have no connection to the medical profession). People will jump out of your way like frightened chickens.

• Pretend to be in a trance or possessed by a ghost every time someone approaches you with not-so-friendly intentions. Watch them rush away without a second glance, chanting the Hanuman Chalisa under their breath.

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• Slather yourself with fairness cream to acquire that unearthly glow that the models on TV get after they start using it. People will think you’re an alien, or that you’ve been exposed to excess radiation, and leave you alone.

• Wear a pink-and-white duppatta over your head and swear at everyone you see, occasionally yelling at the top of your voice, “Yeh bik gayi hai gourmint!” I promise you will be left alone.

• Fill a pichkari with pepper spray or some drink like 7 Up or Fanta and spray it into the eyes of a would-be molester. In temporarily blinding them, you’d be doing the next few girls to walk down that street a favour.

• Wear saffron robes. No one will smear colour on you. Cos at the moment, saffron seems to be India’s favourite colour.

Lastly, we hope that you understand that this article has been written in jest and that doing any of the above will probably get you arrested.

Happy Holi!

Image Credits: Google Images

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