Couples Are Using TikTok’s Bird Theory To Test How Strong Their Relationship Is

The act of couples coming up with different ways to test the strength of their relationship is nothing new. But, over the years and various generations, the way to do that has kept changing.

The latest one to join the wagon is something called a ‘bird theory’, a TikTok trend that started with couples using this relationship experiment to check the depth of their emotional connection. How a partner reacts when this theory is applied can actually give insight into the relationship and the partner themselves.

But, over time, what started as a light-hearted social media experiment has sparked meaningful conversations online about how small gestures can reveal big things about a relationship.

What Is The Bird Theory?

The ‘bird theory’ came to the attention of many recently, when it started to gain prominence on TikTok around 2023.

The TikTok trend is essentially a subtle way to test one’s partner’s attentiveness. The theory goes that one partner casually says something like, “I saw a bird today,” and observes how the other responds.

A caring, attentive partner might pause, ask, “What kind of bird?” or show genuine curiosity, signalling that they’re truly engaged. But a disinterested or dismissive reaction could be taken as a red flag.

Now, while this might have gotten around on social media only recently, the true origins have been around for quite some time.

This theory is based on the concept of Dr John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and his wife, Dr Julie Gottman, which they developed during a research study in 1992. Gottman, and a team of researchers, in the early 1990s, studied 130 newlywed couples for six years to figure out what made a relationship work or fail.

This was called the “bid for connection”, where, after years of study, the psychologists found that how partners reacted or “turned toward” their partner when it came to mundane, simple comments, observations, or questions showed a pattern.

According to the Washington Post, the study claimed that “The couples that were still married after the six years had turned toward each other an average of 86% of the time, whereas the couples who ended up divorcing only accepted bids for connection 33% of the time on average.”

That research underpins the bird theory’s premise: it’s not about the bird, but about how partners engage with the small, seemingly meaningless moments that actually weave the fabric of trust and intimacy.

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The Gottmans, in a 2017 article called “The Natural Principles of Love,” published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review, where 40 years of research and data were summarised, explained the importance of these bids.

It said, “These tiny moments of emotional connection form a kind of emotional bank account that gets built over time and provides a buffer against momentary irritability or emotional distance.”

However, even Gottman cautions that no single test should be taken as the sole indicator of a relationship’s health.

He said, “Sometimes, somebody’s just involved in what they’re reading, and they literally don’t hear the bid, or they don’t pay attention to it because their attention is focused elsewhere. That’s not really a very good test,” adding that, “It has to be a consistent pattern, and so becoming aware of these moments is the important thing.”

While the trend has taken over social media, with couples from around the world posting their findings and either becoming joyful or despondent at how their partner reacts, experts also warn against it and encourage people to exercise caution and common sense.

Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Northwestern University, speaking to PBS NewsHour, echoed this sentiment.

Solomon said, “You know, these tests come and go. And I tell you what, this one is particularly sneaky because it’s — it does have Gottman’s research behind it. And there’s a wish that all of our relationships could boil down to one little test like that. So, although there’s validity, it’s putting too much weight in one little micro moment.”

Audra Nuru, a professor at the University of St. Thomas, also commented on this trend, liking how it has opened the field of relationship science to the general public in a way that they can understand.

However, she also adds that relationships are complex and the bird test shouldn’t be viewed in binary “pass or fail” terms, as so much of social media clearly is doing.

Nuru said, “There’s something really tender and vulnerable about these videos, which is why they resonate so deeply. But when someone shares their partner’s reaction, they’re inviting the world into a genuinely intimate moment. And so what might begin as a private moment between these two people becomes culled by a much wider audience. … Others are now helping define its meaning.”

Image Credits: Google Images

Sources: Forbes, The Washington Post, The New York Times

Find the blogger: @chirali_08

This post is tagged under: Relationship, Relationship theory, Relationship trend, bird theory, bird theory, bird theory tiktok, bird theory meaning, bird theory relationship

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