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The Heavily Censored Version Of Fifty Shades Darker Is Not What You’d Expect It To Be

By Anusha Majumdar

Valentine’s Day was just around the corner and every couple was getting engaged in some serious RIGOROUS fun which would’ve have been “on the side’ hadn’t there been a special occasion for this. But what would the Singles do!? There’s no “ONE-DAY DISCOUNT AND DOUBLE DHAMAKA” offer to keep them hooked and happy.

In this forlorn state, the release of FIFTY SHADES DARKER emerged like a sparkling star from the gloomy mist but only to drag us into another ‘fifty shades of frustration‘.

There are multitudinous reasons for why I think of it that way and here are a few:

Laters, Dakota

Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades Darker

Going by the general consensus, most of the Indian guys define sexiness as a factor based on the curvaceousness of women and Dakota Johnson doesn’t really fit into that.

So she was definitely not convincing enough to fit into the spectrum of that ‘hotness’ for me, as well.

And what’s even worse was that she looks like a 16-year-old teen who has been dragged out of her high school oral exam to give an ORAL ON SCREEN!

Now, don’t make Christian Grey look like a pedophile!*sobs*

The shoddy chemistry 

Many of us would’ve overlooked the physique if there was enough of hotness and sexuality being shown onscreen. But that wasn’t to be the case either!

Their apathy was almost palpable and it seemed to reach out to me from off the screen and take away some of own “rigor”.

In fact, the movie got me hooked about the fluid dynamics, gravity, momentum and other aspects of the PHYSICS of the act rather than the much-anticipated CHEMISTRY part!

The emotionless acting was just cherry on top

What the hell was wrong with their expressions!? Emote please, for god’s sake!

“Anastasia, Necrophilia isn’t my thing”. Wait, really? Then why do I get the feeling that I’m watching a funnier version of The Invasion?

Their apathy would make even Nicole Kidman blush! After having watched the movie, I found a new formula:

Output of carnal knowledge after watching=input of carnal knowledge before watching-creative imagination. I would’ve much rather preferred watching a jive or some Rio Olympic Gymnastic videos!

The unprecedented change in course of the movie

Most of the avid book readers and fifty shades’ admirers hit the roof after watching the movie.

There’s always some amount of dilution when a novel is being picturised. But the dilution in this case, is COLOSSAL with so many new, insipid scenes added in.

I thought BDSM was Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Sadomasochism?? NOPE!

The movie redefined it as Boredom, Depravity, Superficiality and Monotony! *Ouch*.

The unkindness of the Censor board

Very intrigued, Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

Now one would think that the Indian version of the movie is tyrannically censored, that it would take all the fun out of it. But that didn’t quite seem the case with me. Quite surprisingly, this is the only part of the movie that I thought was actually interesting.

Considering how HEAVILY CENSORED the Indian version of the movie is, it only piques our curiosity and adds much more hype and fervor than is required, to the film.

It really got me excited and hooked! After all, it might provide some innovative ideas to make our SEX LIVES MORE STIMULATING and a means to do away with artificial means ;)

Moreover, who doesn’t have voyeuristic tendencies?*wink wink*.

LATERS, BABY! Wrap it up and make wise choices!

Image Credits: Google

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