Now hear me out. I consider myself a sane and a rational member of the human race and nobody can prove me otherwise. I follow the social norms, keep my feelings wrapped up tighter than Frank Ocean’s new album, and for the most part, behave how my mother thinks I do.
But we all got limits man.
So here are 5 things that throw me in a fit of frenzy, more than not getting my morning dose of delicious, decadent caffeinated beverage. Yes, I loathe these things more than Dhichak Pooja’s new single.
5 Stickers on Sh*t I Buy
Oh lord, give me strength. Who was the genius that decided to put stickers on every goddamn thing? As if this wasn’t enough, these stickers use a chemical that is more powerful than Luke Skywalker himself.
The residue is always there, taunting me, reminding me of everything that is wrong with this world. We really could use a plague and start anew.
4 Laugh Tracks in TV Shows
I’ve never quite understood this one. Do these producers/writers/directors honestly think that we – the audience is so clueless that we need flippin’ cues to laugh? I will laugh if it’s funny.
I don’t need a senseless 50-year-old recording trying to coerce me into anything. These laugh tracks are more obnoxious than your vegan friends. No Sarah, I don’t care. Vegan “cheese” is gross. I am not putting that thing anywhere near my food.
3 Damn Minions
Ahh yes, the Minions. These cute, fuzzy, little yellow goofballs were so darn adorable in the first movie. But God do I hate these annoying f*ckers. I despise them. They are everywhere. Clothes, bag packs, office decorations? That’s a little too much.
And I don’t understand the fixation middle-aged white suburban moms seem to have with Minions. I mean where do we draw the line? My Facebook feed is 50% people making me realize how crappy my life is and 50% “hilarious” Minions memes.
It was funny for 2 minutes back in 2010. Grow up, people. Or at least stop tagging me in these disgusting and vile “memes”. Uhhh it’s the worst!
2 Oxford Comma Forever
Oxford comma for life. I don’t care. Fight me. Only heathens believe in not using Oxford commas. If you’re one of these monsters — how do you sleep at night? You’re the reason we can’t have nice things. Thanks Obama.
1 Vertical Videos
It’s 2017. Folks still need help understanding the difference between vertical and landscape modes. You see life in landscape, so you clearly know the difference. Why are you then shooting these videos vertically?
How much time and effort does it take to turn your phone 90 degrees? Don’t even get me started on this trend of adding bars to fill the space. That’s a shitty thing to do and you should feel shitty for doing so.
What flips your switch? Tell me in the comments section below. I am usually not this grumpy but it’s 5 am and I didn’t get any sleep. Sorry.
To my brothers and sisters that can relate, keep up the good fight. God bless.
Now Watch: Learn from the $90 billion man, Mr. Bill Gates himself on how to turn into a Dominant Success Machine.
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