Coming from another not-so-productive weekend, it dawns on you how much sh*t you should’ve actually done. You should’ve at least started that paper. Or sent out that email. Maybe called up that friend you wanted. What about the billion house chores you were supposed to do?
But you didn’t do nothing
Yeah double negatives because this sh*t is serious. So drowning in another cup of coffee (or a different drug of your choice, I don’t judge), you tell your sorry ass – this is it. I can do better. I must do better.
Sound familiar? That’s me every Monday. So I do what every other rational human being on the planet does – tell myself this weekend will be different.
Spoiler: It won’t be.
So here are the 5, absolutely horrible lies I am telling myself this week:
1I Will Stick to My Diet
Summer is finally here and what do you know, I forgot to get in shape. Again. Sigh, “I need to just to stick with my macros”, I futilely tell myself. Yeah, that’s not happening. Beer is just so damn delicious. Plus, running away from my problems count as cardio, right?
2I Will Do My Taxes
The tax season is in full swing. Fantastic, what a better way to spend my time than writing a fat check for the taxman. “I’ll do it this Saturday”, I exclaim as I am in my weekly get-your-life-together routine. Sorry my future self, I am just a dick. You’ll need to deal with it at the last minute as always.
3I Will Clean the Garage
I am living with my parents this semester. Part of the whole no-rent-free-food deal comes with some cleverly negotiated terms. And to think my parents didn’t even go to law school! Spring cleaning means I need to clean out the garage, get the patio setup, fix the broken cupboard door, along with the everything else on the I’d-rather-have-an-Adam-Sandler-movie-marathon-than-do-this-sh*t list. “Let’s just get it done with this weekend, man”, I bargain with myself. Newsflash, not happening buddy. Just nope.
4I Will Follow Through with Meetup Plans
At 9 am Monday morning, nothing sounds better than making plans for the weekend with your buddies. A fantastic MLB season is underway, Jays are pulling through, and hanging out drinking beer all weekend sounds perfect…till it’s actually time to do it. Sleeping in and being a slob is just so much better than getting all dressed up to go out. Sorry guys, I am flopping again. I don’t know why you are still friends with me.
Also Read: Am I Mature Yet? An Introspection
5I Will Sleep Early on Sunday Night
Probably the biggest lie of the bunch. You need something like 8 hours of rest to be at your best. I can’t recall the last time I had that luxury. And this is something that I can totally control, I must just subconsciously hate myself. Why a 4 hour documentary on how the aliens must have created the pyramids seems life changing on late Sunday nights eludes me. Maybe it’s just one of those mystery-of-life things, along with why my mom insists on never fully closing my bedroom door when she leaves. Shhhh, don’t tell her that I said this.
Why must I be like this? But then again, is it really a weekend if I don’t hate end up with a horrible mental breakdown by 10 pm on Sunday night?