This is a real life account of an acquaintance who has been in a relationship for 2 years. While things were fine during the beginning, as they almost always are, things took a turn for worse when the guy started pressuring the girl for sexual intercourse.
The girl, hailing from a conservative family, was strictly against sex before marriage, and thus would repeatedly turn her boyfriend down. After many such instances, he got really abusive and forceful on her through the phone, and one time even said ‘how dare you refuse to have sex with me?’
To this she replied, ‘I am not your wife that I have to feel obligated to have sex with you. And even if I was, then too I can still say no if I don’t want it.’
In all this, the thing that disturbed her the most was how, during the entirety of their relationship, she had been completely unaware of this side to her partner. And was absolutely shocked at the gall and entitlement that the guy felt over her body and consent.
This scenario is still not as bad as some women and even men in certain cases have been in, as family pressure, marriage and kids are factors that can complicate things further and make it more difficult to leave the abusive partner.
In such a case, whatever the degree of abuse, if at any point of time, you feel that enough is enough and want to get out, then here are a few tips that you can take help from:
1. Learn If You Are In An Abusive Relationship
Before taking the drastic step of just ending a relationship, figure out whether you are in an abusive relationship. And do keep in mind that this does not include only hitting and physical violence.
Although physical abuse is the most well know, there are various kinds of abuse that include but are not limited to, emotional, mental, psychological, sexual and such.
Even if your partner does not hit you, but is abusing you in some other form, then that is grounds enough to leave that relationship without any guilt.
2. Create A Support System Around You
The first thing that an abusive partner does is cut you off from your support system, like your friends, family, relatives and so on.
If they have already been successful in this, or you have uncooperative family and no close friends, then there is no need to worry. There are endless NGOs and groups across the country that offer varying degrees of support and help, including financial and legal, to abuse victims looking to get out of their relationship.
3. Get Proof
You will probably see signs of abusive behavior early on, and though you might dismiss it as just times being tough, it would be best to create a document of the more major times.
Click photographs of any bruises or bodily harm incurred, any harmful and alarming texts that you have gotten, any threats and so on.
If worse comes to worse, these evidences will only help to make your case strong against your abuser.
4. Get to The Police and Know Your Rights
Try and get some counselling in the beginning and communicate with each other. If all that doesn’t work then try to leave in a peaceful and amicable way, talk with your partner, show them that you are not happy with their behavior.
If they don’t put up much resistance, then well and good, however, if they get violent or don’t allow you to leave then cry, shout and basically create a ruckus.
This is not the time to think about ‘log kya kahenge’ , not when it comes to your safety and well-being. Go to the police and file a complaint if the harassment gets bad or continues for long.
And perhaps most important of all would be to know your rights.
Now, for the abusers, and I would like to say that, sometimes it is not even something that they can control.
Due to a variety of reasons, a person becomes this version of themselves who enjoys hurting and demeaning their partner.
It could be a childhood trauma, the household one has grown up in and what they believe to be normal and so on can lend to one becoming an abuser.
But, this in no way excuses any abusive behavior towards your partner and when they tell you so then perhaps it’s time that you take a deeper look at yourself.
If you do recognize that your actions are abusive and harmful to your partner, then here are some tips you can take into consideration:
As said above, the key to getting back to a normal and healthy relationship is communication. Talk with your partner, understand what about your behaviour they are fearful of or don’t like.
And in turn, talk with them about why you have those tendencies, is it a trauma thing, is it a nurture thing, what.
Perhaps more effective than anything and in a way just a more professional take at communication, is therapy. Be it a couples counselling or an individual one, it is amazing what wonders it can do for your relationship and you as an individual.
The human brain is an extremely complicated one, therapy helps in smoothing out the knots and putting things in a clearer perspective.
And no matter the social stigma, therapy does not make you crazy or mad. It is the same as visiting the doctor when sick. There is nothing wrong with taking the help of a professional who can show you what the problem is and how to tackle it.
3. No Means No
This is not just a line from a movie, but it always always applies to your partner.
If in any situation, in any circumstance, your partner refuses or says no to something, be it sex, be it any kind of intimacy, or be it something you are forcing on them, then ‘no means no’.
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