By Drishya Subramaniam
Abusive relationships are much more difficult to spot that one can. In such co-dependent relationships, one partner tends to maintain power and control over the other frequently through invasive ways. The abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. It is important to detect when it is no longer a healthy relationship to avoid a personal catastrophe.
Is losing someone more important than your self-esteem?
NO. But it is surprising how one holds on to a relationship as it’s the last string of hope and doesn’t realize when the boundaries are being crossed. Until it gets physical and very apparent.
The kinds of Verbal Abuses that People turn a Blind Eye to:
“I don’t know why I have to put up with a negative person like you.”
“You are never satisfied are you?”
Being judgemental and always criticizing doesn’t show love, it shows where your dignity stands in the abuser’s eyes. It’s important to understand where friendly criticism ends and where you are subjected to constant condemnation. When you’re criticized without a just reason constantly, it’s time to start thinking twice about this relationship.
“Stop interfering in matters beyond your reach.”
‘He told me that I shouldn’t do anything without his approval because I’m too innocent.”
“Do what I tell you.”
No one said you can’t be opinionated. Sly comments one overlooks can easily be an abuser undermining his/her victim. No one has the right to control your life, remember that no one is greater than you to degrade you.
“You’re such a wonderful boyfriend!”
With a smile and a hug means that you are a wonderful partner. But rolling eyes while saying the same thing means something completely different. Word plays and denials, it’s not always about the words but the feelings one get with them. When there is no more love in their words or gestures, where they try to show love only when questioned is not
“You always end up ruining my reputation”
“I can’t believe that I have to walk with a fatty like you when I deserve much better.”
Accusing and blaming on things beyond one’s control. Judging your body shape, blaming you for everything going wrong in your partner’s life is not part of a healthy relationship. Also, abuses disguised as a joke are so easily taken up as a misunderstanding by the victim. The things that a person does, with hope and obligations, can be surprising.
Emotional Abuses can shatter a Person and their Confidence.
Explicit name-calling where you don’t just turn out to be the bit*h in their dictionary but a whore to a slut to what not!
“Do what you want, just leave me alone.”
It’s not always necessary that one has to say anything to you; the silent abuser just ceases to remember your existence. Stonewalling can destroy the other partner’s stablity.
“I promise baby I will not repeat it again.”
Forgiveness is important in every relationship but if the apologies are meager words without any value then it no longer builds a strong relationship. There is nothing more common than serially cheating and lying.
“I have to do what she tells me to do, otherwise she’ll harm herself. She loves me so much.”
Being naïve is an understatement here. No one can force you to do things if they love you so much!
“Oh, you got a job? But I don’t think you will be able to handle the pressure there. You’re too fragile.”
From support to discouragement. Your partner can tell you the truth, can tell you what’s right from wrong. Constantly discouraging you to follow your dreams is no longer concern for you.
Stalking, going through your personals and harassing you about affairs they imagine you had. Abuse starts that day your personal life is no longer personal.
Public humiliations: where you are degraded amongst the abuser’s friends and ridiculed off. It’s surprising that a single statement like ‘you have no sportsmanship, you’re not fun’ and other comparisons can make the victim blame himself/herself for not seeing the facts.
“I’m leaving you.”
that one statement to which every victim always succumbs too. It’s surprising how these three words are even more powerful than ‘I Love You’. It’s daunting to realize how a person tends to act against their will for these words!
Sexual Abuse in Abusive Relationships
I don’t even need to explain this one.
Forcing someone to engage in prostitution for their own good! It happens and like seriously. There cannot be a bigger red flag.
Forcing sex on anyone against their will, even in the name of love is anything but love. A no, is a NO.
That’s pretty much the roundup.
Love is a heavy word. They say people are blinded by love, and it’s true. But, if love forces you to break your morals, if it hurts you, lowers your self-esteem then it is not worth fighting for. Whether it be harming you physically or killing you through words, it’s important to realize where the boundary lies and where you need to raise your voice.
If any of the above points ring true for you, you are in an abusive relationship, walk away. It is much more painful to stay than to heal, and once you break off all ties from your abuser you will get a fair shot at living your life on your own terms.