Caution: Sarcasm Attached! How To Make Diwali PERFECT

For Indians, Diwali and Dussera are not just festivals. They are like a season. A season because it takes place over 1 and half months. This is the best provision in Hinduism. Dussera and Diwali give more holidays than Eid, Christmas and New Year combined.

This is my guide to a successful and flawless Diwali:

 

Buy Tonnes Of Jewelry On Dhanteras

Jewelry made of all kinds of materials- Gold, Silver, Platinum, Uranium, Radon, Argon, Rubber. Indians should have a large stock of ornaments because you never know what amount of dowry you’d have to give for your daughter or granddaughter. You never know how much is the charge for killing a female foetus in the womb. Illegal things cost a lot. Except Acid, you could easily buy it in a Kirana shop.

 

Spend A Huge Amount On Buying Sweets

Diabetes is the new cool. So why not have one? And if you’re thinking of saving money on sweets and spending it on poor children, then don’t. Because if they are poor, they should die. This way you’re helping the country by eradicating poverty. True nationalism.

 

Don’t Buy Dry Fruits

You could use fruits but not dry fruits plss. Why? A helluva of our dry fruits are imported from Pakistan and we should not contribute a single penny to Pak market. Let’s isolate Pakistan by staying hungry, not foolish. #Terroristan

 

Burst Crackers Like A Boss

If you have money, burst crackers. If not, then beg borrow or steal. After all, what’s a Diwali without causing noise, air and land pollution! The crackers really help as a lot of stray animals sniff the remains of it and die. And thus you now have a stray-free locality. But if you see a cow then protect her, shield her, take her home, feed her, do aarti of her, drink gauv mutra, click a selfie and hashtag #GauRakshak #SafeDiwali

 

Send Long Happy Diwali Threads On WhatsApp And Facebook

When life gives you internet, misuse it. If you don’t post on Facebook, then how would they know that Diwali is here? And don’t dare call your relatives. They’ll end up asking your marks which will make you shout abuses at them in your mind and no abuses on Diwali because festival should be kept pure. But it’s okay to abuse Pakistanis because why not!

 

Watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil In Theatres

Locate a cheap theatre where security is low. Buy the cheapest ticket because you don’t want your money to go to Pakistan. Hurl abuses at Fawad Khan when he appears on the screen (Also, do throw a chappal at him. Try Beta). Feel content. #Proud #Nationalism #TruePatriot

 

Burn The Pataka In Your Hand And Then Throw It

See, this is the best part about celebrating Diwali. Not only are you testing your knowledge of projectile motion but also you have the chance to burn down the house of your annoying neighbour. And if you succeed, you could have a pre-placement offer from ISIS. If not, then you will attain Jannat. Note: Pataka = firecrackers.

 

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If you follow these steps then I guarantee you’ll fall in love with Diwali. If you don’t follow then I’ll meet you in Jannat. Or maybe the vice-versa.

Happy Diwali!

 

Feature Image: Google Images.


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