“I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes
Do you think I should take it down?
Let me take another selfie”
The above lines from The Chainsmoker’s hit and trending song #SELFIE reflects the predicament of a vast majority of the generation obsessed with selfie-clicking-uploading. It has become simply impossible to log into our Facebook/Twitter/Instagram accounts without having our senses assaulted by at least a dozen selfies of every kind and manner.
Selfies have almost become an integral part of our lives. All we need do is take out our smartphones, put on our mask of vanity, and thrust our most attractive feature in the camera, if its your face its still tolerable but if you think your eyes, hair, nose or your butt interests us, oh you innocent soul, could thou be more wrong!
It is hard to imagine how we would have wasted our time had it not for the selfies. However, the fact remains that these selfies provide us with a means to laugh not only at others, but also ourselves, an exercise much needed to cherish life. Below is a list of the kinds of weird and hilarious selfies that we stumble upon daily in our social media newsfeed. So climb down and recall each and every selfie you and your pals have snapped till date and go LOL-ing.
1. Bathroom/Greenroom Selfie:
Hey, do you know what the purpose of a bathroom is? Well, to explain it in the easiest words possible, a la Sheldon Cooper style: its purpose is to ‘move our bowels’. But how do WE utilize this supposed private place? Bathroom= Selfie time. That’s how!
Not surprisingly there’s a huge mirror on the wall that’s splayed across in invisible ink with the words ‘come take a selfie!’ and obviously you follow thy Highness’s command. Not once. But atleast a dozen times. In different poses that surprisingly look the same I wonder how!
Also, you really want us to believe you bought even one of those dozens of dresses you tried on in the quarter-mirrored greenroom? Who are you kidding? Don’t worry baby the little secret’s well-known, we are all the same breed after-all: the greenroom is the favourite haunt of selfie-addict people, who spend multitudes of minutes locked in, clicking from every angle, making the train of people outside furious and then upload those snaps hoping people believe they actually own those hot clothes.
2. Just-Out-Of-Bed Selfie:
You are the lazy bum who’s always running late. You set late, so you rise late. You rush through the usual ritual of getting ready for work/college(unless you are the kind who goes to bed dressed up for the next day so you can buy a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning. Trust me such kind exists!)
But how could you rise and shine before taking a selfie? No matter how much your mom squeals in the background to get your lazy ass of the bed, you have to snap up the daily selfie first, right? I mean c’mon now don’t pose dead asleep smartypants, we know you took the photo on your own. There’s a reason why its called a self-ie, you know?
3. Inked Selfie:
Come election time and the proud voters flood our newsfeed with their inked fingers. This is one of the latest trends in the selfie revolution and is definitely here to stay.
However, FYI it doesn’t remain a hidden fact that some of you go to practice your suffrage rights only so you upload your finger, why else would you be wearing those raybans, huh?
(the selfie fever has caught up with our PM too)
4. Food Selfie:
You eat? Who would have though of that, until you uploaded this grand plate of sumptuous-looking beauty. Sincerely, thanks for letting us know you eat. Even Sherlock wouldn’t have deduced it otherwise. Hey, I was just wondering ‘do you poop too’?
5. Collage Selfie:
So you clicked a selfie. Viewed it. Felt you looked pretty. And clicked a hundred more in apparently different poses. Made a collage out of half a dozen of them and uploaded it with the caption ‘random upload’. Really? C’mon we know you better than that.
But seriously trust me buddy, you look the same in all of them. We know what you look like, we don’t need 6 of your clones to tell us that.
6. Bike/Car wali Selfie:
The one question I want to ask the section of people who click selfies riding a bike, or driving a car for that matter, is “kehna kya chahte ho?”. Either you were too bored waiting for the lights to turn green or just felt a random selfie uploading every now and then was necessary to make sure people didn’t forget what you look like.
7. Workout Selfie:
You workout. But nobody comments on your diminishing waistline or your rippling biceps? So, what do you do? Obviously take a fresh-after-workout-glow-on-the-face selfie!
And now that the magic spell has been cast and your sexy bod forcibly poking out in our newsfeed, we start noticing that overnight-transformed lean figure and toned ass. The hawk of your confidence soars directly with the number of likes and comments you get. Sounds like ‘mai pehle aisa tha, then maine ye use kiya, then mai ye ban gaya’ ads, right?
Okay, all sarcasm aside, you folks do look good. And if you are shirtless, ahem.
#Respect for your hardwork and dedication.
8. Shaadi Selfie:
You went to a wedding, put on a ton of make-up, got your hair straightened straighter than AAP’s jhaadu or got them curled curlier than maggi, wore a new lehenga, chappals, jewellery, and put the whole galaxy to shame with your glitter. Clicked and uploaded the great-big-fat-wedding selfie to assault our senses and held your breath for the first comment!
Do you want us to say what an apsara you look? Well, meh.
9. Groupie(group selfie):
My personal favourite. The quirkier, the better. Trust me if your friends poke their heads in every single selfie you take with a weird look on their faces, set to ruin your good akele wali selfie, hold onto them, for life. Tongues wagging out, eyes popping out of sockets, teeth bared like dracula, eyebrows knit in confusion, heads lolled in different directions, they make selfie-clicking the best sport. The ‘haww’ pose is one of the recurring favourites in our newsfeeds.
10. Selfie with Celebrity:
Okay no making fun, only getting jealous of you lucky asses. By jealous, I mean literally cursing you everytime we stumble upon that photo of yours with our beloved favourite stars, then mentally stabbing you and cropping you out of the picture to badly photoshop ourselves beside the star and grinning a wide one in the head. See, what psychopaths you turn us.
Anyhow, giving up our bruised ego, we always end up liking the photo or leaving a “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you met XYZ!! Ohhh Myyyy Goddd(Janice style)” comment only so it stops recurring in the newsfeed.
11. Selfie with Pet:
If you look closely, you’ll be able to read the invisible caption under such selfies that say “I own a pet. I love my pet. My pet loves me. Look at our love. Be jealous”. Okay folks mission accomplished, you do manage to get us jealous and push us in our pits of loneliness, craving for a loyal buddy who’d jump happily every time we came home and lick our faces.
Trust me, you guys force us to delve into making plans for the future wherein if we don’t find suitable partners for ourselves, we shall adopt scores of pets and live happily ever after. Happens only in a Utopian world though, right?
12. The Duckface:
Don’t we all agree that duck-faces really need to go? Thanks to these selfies, we’ve finally begin to ponder what a duck’s face looks like.
The maths behind achieving this ridiculous selfie is pretty simple actually. Strain your lips out to the maximum possible, preferrably after having painted it with a neon or faded coral, red, pink, purple, green, blue whatever shade of lipstick and there you go our very own desi Kim Kardashian!
If only you vain ‘beauties’ realised the pout didn’t make you look anything like a model, but as if your lips had been stung sorely by a bumblebee!
If only everytime a girl pouted her lips out, her feet got webbed and her throat went ‘quack quack’, the world would be one hell of a less narcissist place. The science behind why people engage in pouty selfies remains an unfathomed mystery to the mankind though.
And then there are the parodies of the duckface.
Below is a hilarious parody video on pic-clicking and uploading on Instagram of almost anything and everything.
Our list ends here, but it doesn’t really. The cache of the kinds of selfies in trend is humongous and cannot be capped down. Thanks to social media, the world is shrinking day by day and we are getting closer. The traditional hardcover bound albums our grandparents kept preserved have almost vanished from the face of earth. The sweet ache of happiness brought by nostalgia on seeing those frail hard-copies of preserved memories is irreplaceable.
Anyhow, it cannot be denied either that selfies have made it possible to not just preserve but also create crazy memories that can never be rendered futile, no matter how old we grow. Because there is no bar for taking selfies. So go be creative and let the spurt of selfies keep flooding!
By- Aakanksha Kumari