Broootally Honest: Valentine’s Day; or ERHMAGERDD!!! VURLENTAEYN’S DAEE!!!

February 14th 2012. I’ll never forget that date. It was the first Valentine’s Day of my life when I actually went out of my house, and not to attend school. No, Valentine’s Day that year was extremely special, it was the first time somebody gave me something on Valentine’s Day. Yes, yes indeed. But before you start to think that it was something special (though it was indeed special) or that I ever had a life, let me tell you it was the day my father bought home the prospectus of the Indian Institute of Technology. Yes, that remains the only time I received something on 14th February ever. And no man, I honestly don’t have any hopes for the future because neither did I get into IIT nor do I wish to anymore.

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So, what is Valentine’s Day (Valentine’s Week, if you wish to go full retard) besides a clever marketing campaign for chocolates, greeting cards, flowers, gift shops, pets, car salesmen, insurance salesmen (you never know what turns someone on), and each and everything under the sun? I’m still unclear because 20 years of my lone existence isn’t enough to give me any clues yet. Sooo, I’ll take it for what it actually is…just another day.

do-you-have-a-date-for-valentines-day-memeThink about it, before Hallmark, Archies, Cadbury or whoever you can think of while thinking of Valentine’s Day came up with the strategy to easily loot a vast majority of people, what was 14th Feb like? Bet yo’ ass it wasn’t what it is like now. Wait…………………………………………

STPXbJzI just forgot why I was writing this article, maybe it is hip to criticize this entire charade about love and feelings and all that. Maybe I’m not taking into account the definition of “real” love, and only thinking about the pop definition that has been basically moulded by my exposure to music, movies and sitcoms. Maybe it is normal for blogs such as this to give you witty articles that make you go “Oh, that’s witty”. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just a killjoy, a party pooper. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Fuck You. Valentine’s Day would be the last day I’ll ever celebrate, or I’d rather celebrate it as free douche duo watch day, because of course there’s no shortage of douchebags, is there?

Wait…you know what? How about a list of things to do on Valentine’s Day? Yessir! There’s nobody to stop me, is there? Here we go:

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1. Stay at Home:

I don’t know what to say…stay at home bro, rest those red, sore, bitter, swollen eyes. Get some shuteye finally, and don’t dream about things that scare you or hurt you because they scare you and hurt you and don’t let you sleep for more than three hours a day. Or dance like crazy since nobody’s watching! Stay at home, do whatever you want to and avoid being judged by others, roam around nekkid and eat ice cream covered with hot chocolate sauce and oreo crumbs!

to-all-my-forever-alone-followers-me-too-b_o_12350092. Make it Your Day:

Think about it. YDay definitely sounds better than VDay. YWeek sounds even better! Make the day/week yours by doing what you love and not thinking about the ones you love(d). Think for yourself once, you crazy machine you! Look at yourself! When was the last time you had a double patty chicken burger? Don’t remember, right? Go and have it! Make yourself your Valentine!

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3. Watch that movie you missed because everyone you care for was busy:

Don’t feel bad that you were asking them out for something you wanted, haven’t you been their 3 AM guy for too long? Time to hit the ‘EXIT’ button bro. Go for that movie no one would accompany you for because they were “busy”, or “tooo sick”, or had “projects to complete”, “presentations to present”, “matters to take care of”, and whatthefucknot. Or watch the YIFY print you’ve had on your hard disk drive for days. Go and live for yourself once!

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4. Go to a public place and laugh at couples:

This is something you shouldn’t normally do. It just shows what a dick you are! But as long as you laugh at them secretly or inside your head it’s good. Count how close you are to becoming a sociopath! But it’s like the thing that epitomizes your miserable life and shit existence, so rather you avoid it. Don’t f

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5. Start running once again:

Go for that run you’ve been dissing for months. Get healthy physically, mental and emotional health will follow. Breathe in some good February air free of unnecessary love. Go for a run, and maybe some waffles later :)))

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6. Read this! (seriously, you should!)

brutally-honest-dog-meme7. Get yourself a pet: I’ve never had one so I don’t know what it feels like. Guess it’d be nice to spend money on adopting a good soul that’ll actually love you back because this whole week is about the joy of love, right? (at least according to McDonald’s)

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I’ve actually run out of points. Hmmm…that’s never happened before. Well, have a safe weekend people; I’ll be somewhere, working my ass off like a workaholic (which I am not). Ahhh…I gotta get myself a life…

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